


A Life of Regret

by heeroluva



Category: Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Angst, Bittersweet, Fade Dreams, M/M, Post-Dragon Age: Inquisition - Trespasser DLC
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-19
Updated: 2019-08-19
Packaged: 2020-09-01 14:01:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,050
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20259250
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/heeroluva/pseuds/heeroluva
Summary: Solas is intimately familiar with regret, but it galls him that this one continues to pull at his thoughts, refuses to let him focus on more important matters.





	A Life of Regret

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Asymptotical](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Asymptotical/gifts).

Solas is intimately familiar with regret, but it galls him that this one continues to pull at his thoughts, refuses to let him focus on more important matters. With a sigh he closes the book and rubs his eyes. One man shouldn’t supersede his plans, yet it’s increasingly Trevelyan’s pained face that he can’t banish from his mind’s eye.

There is no room in Solas’ life for matters of the heart, yet his chest grows tight when he thinks of the human. And isn’t that the crux of the matter. Solas feels like he’s betraying his people once more because Trevelyan will never understand. Except he tries, the traitorous part of Solas’ heart whispers, always willing to listen to him, clearly greatly enjoying learning everything he could from Solas. It didn’t matter if it was magic theory or history or improving his own magic, Trevelyan absorbed it all like a sponge, always eager for more.

Solas’ had come to enjoy their time together too much, each joyful grin that Trevelyan sent his way like a punch to the gut, each increasing lingering touch both a balm to his soul and a torment. It was because of his miscalculations that Trevelyan found himself in possession of the anchor. He pushes away the knowledge that if his plan had succeeded he probably never would have met the man, probably would have killed him with his actions.

It’s Solas’ cowardice that causes him to run when the opportunity presents itself, not yet prepared to reveal the truth of who he is—there was still much that he needed to do first, or so he tells himself—but also not ready to see the betrayal on Trevelyan’s face.

The meeting, when it finally happens, is long overdue, and seeing Trevelyan brings Solas more joy than he cares to admit. It’s tempered though by Trevelyan’s clear agony, the anchor having become increasingly unstable—another regret, that he left this for so long instead of dealing with it when there was still a chance to save his arm.

Solas had hope that the time and distance would have lessened these feelings, but the sheer joy on Trevelyan’s face cuts through him, and the shocked betrayal is even harder to face. He’s not sure why he’s so shocked by Trevelyan’s steadfast insistence that he’ll prove this world is worth saving.

As Solas drifts off to sleep, head resting on his hand, an image of Trevelyan’s smiling face appears before him and he lets himself briefly hope for the impossible.

When Solas opens his eyes in the Fade, the demon wearing Trevelyan’s face has done a remarkable job, clearly pulling from more than just Solas’ memories of the man. He doesn’t seem to notice Solas at first, but when he does he freezes, startled, before rising to his feet.

“Solas? Is that really you?”

Solas stiffens as he looks around, realizing abruptly that this isn’t merely a random spot within the Fade, that this isn’t a demon wearing Trevelyan’s face. He curses himself the fool, letting his emotions control him, bring him here. He turns, unable to bear seeing Trevelyan’s hopeful face any longer.

A hand on his wrist stills his movement, but he can’t allow himself to turn. When a hand touches his cheek, he closes his eyes, hating the way he allows himself to lean into it for a moment. The sudden brush of something against his lips causes his eyes to snap open, and Solas is met with Trevelyan’s face, closer than expected, a smile stretching across his face.

“I’ve wanted to do that for a long time. It’s a pity that it has to be in a dream.”

“I shouldn’t be here,” Solas says, looking away again, unconsciously licking his lips.

“Yet you couldn’t stay away, could you?” He cups Solas’ face in both his hands—another indication that this is the Fade—and presses another kiss to his lips longer this time, and it takes everything in Solas not to respond.

“We shouldn’t,” Solas says when Trevelyan pulls back slightly.

“That’s not a no.”

“This is foolish. You know what my plans are. How exactly do you expect this to work?”

“You’re not a murderer.”

Solas can’t help the fond smile. “Oh, the idealism of youth. I’ve killed more than you can comprehend.”

“Not without good reason.” Trevelyan resorts, clearly determined not to let this drop.

“The reason doesn’t absolve me of my sins, or the blood of innocents on my hands”

“Tell me, is the forgiveness of the dead more important than that of the lives of the living? Do you think spilling the blood of more innocents will make right a wrong over a thousand years pasts? No, I can see now, you’ve given up on yourself. You’re nothing but a coward who can’t accept change.”

“Enough!” Solas bites out louder than he means to. “You know nothing.”

“Because you refuse to talk to me!”

“Because I don’t want to hurt you!”

Trevelyan lets out a bitter laugh. “This is you not hurting me? You haven’t done a very good job on that.”

Solas closes his eyes again. “I know, and for that I am sorry. I tried to stay away, yet I couldn’t stop myself. The happiness I found when with you, I’m not worthy of it.”

This time when Trevelyan kisses him, Solas can’t help but respond, arms coming up to hold him close, afraid of him disappearing. Trevelyan puts everything he feels into it, his desperation, his anger, but most of all his love, and fool that he is, Solas greedily takes it all, committing the taste of him, scent of him, feel of him to memory in the event he never gets to feel this again.

“Don’t,” Trevelyan whispers against his lips when he pulls away, breathing harshly. “You don’t have to be alone. Together we can make this world better. Please, we can—”

“I’m sorry,” Solas whispers before he wakes them both up. He sighs as he wipes at his wet face, hating how close he’d been to giving in, the way that Trevelyan can so easily see through him, the only one who sees him as he truly is, never as a god. He’ll have to ensure they don’t meet again. His plans cannot fail.


End file.
